I’ve been a lax blogger in the past couple of weeks, I’ll admit it. Where does one go after discussing such highly complex matters such as dying one’s hair various colours over the years? Indeed.
My mind’s been elsewhere from Blogworld if I’m honest. At this time of year I guess one can’t help looking back over the year behind us and it’s been a funny old one at that. Obviously in January I expected to be a raging career success this year, be loaded and have eloped with some Adonis that worships that ground I walk on yet keeps me mentally stimulated. What can I say, I’ve been busy with other important matters this year that I simply haven’t had time for such trivialities.
Seriously, though, a fair amount of things became clear this year – valuable realisations that I wouldn’t take back or swap for anything, except perhaps the amazing career (the Adonis can wait until next year). It’s been a year of processing demons that had been hidden away for over a decade in some cases, heavy shit that I’ve counteracted with paddling deliciously in the shallow end to regain some sort of balance and, hopefully, avoid becoming a miserable b*stard. I have no desire to emotionally bleed over the internet, however, sometimes these things have to be acknowledged, if anything to take note of surviving them and coming out the other end. I’ll probably be able to write about what it feels like to have f*ck off depression in a terribly warm, funny, self-deprecating way in even a few weeks but right now, it doesn’t feel that far behind.
I can pinpoint the 3 people that were pivotal for me this year, 1 I don’t know and am unlikely ever to, 2 I do on varying levels. The one I don’t know is just a musician whose work I collided with & fell in love with this year. The music not him, well I sort of fell in love with his story I guess. I looked in to what they’d done before the music I liked so much and the story that appeared of this musician really inspired me. Not massively, not dramatically, but my perspective shifted ever so slightly – he hadn’t been this raging success straight away, he’d been in the background working away for years and years until finally, recently, he’d stepped into the limelight making this gorgeous music. I don’t particularly want to step into any limelight but to see someone that had carried on, who had got better and better over the years and was now enjoying success in his own right and not giving a shit whether the Media Machine lapped it up or not. Well, I found that kind of inspiring and it reminded me that music and being creative are the fuel to my fire, if you will – without either, well, I just get lost, basically, it’s strange.
So if he was The Guide, Second came The Opposition, a person I was previously pretty close to but whose brief return into my life made me realise how far I’d come because I saw them for their true, not so pretty colours this time. They behaved like an arsehole, like a spoilt, selfish brat and with their clumsy manipulation, expected all around to smile and say it was alright as they always had done before. I didn’t this time, this time I quite literally walked away. It was the most bizarre feeling, all my energy that had been drained out, I felt exhausted, paranoid, like all my confidence had been sucked out of me, all literally as a direct result of spending time with this person and the b*ll*cks that constantly spouted out of their mouth. As soon as I walked away, all my energy came back again and I felt back to normal again, it was fantastic and I realised I didn’t want to ever feel like that again.
The last, alongside The Guide, is probably of the more significant, he made me feel accepted as I was, caught every tangent I threw at him and bounced it back, let me bite him with my words when i got insecure and scrappy, was just there. I really don’t know if things will be the same in the New Year, dynamics and priorities change, things shift with time but by very quietly, possibly without even realising the power of his actions, he made a difference and for this he’s The Magician and one day I’ll thank him.
Like this:
Be the first to like this post.
